Why was I complementarian?
I was raised in a patriarchal home and in a church that restricted women from leadership. Although our Pentecostal denomination ordained women, I didn’t know any women pastors. I couldn’t even imagine such a thing. Even in Bible college, I remember only one female student pursuing a ministerial degree. Although I was hungry to learn theology and possessed a budding gift of teaching, it never occurred to me that I could have studied to become a pastor. I’d internalized far too many messages about women’s limitations.
The allegedly mutualist church environment in which I grew up produced profound cognitive dissonance. I was already compliant by nature, but misogyny kept me even smaller and quieter. It was death by a thousand paper cuts. The comments. The attitudes. The lack of inclusion or respect. Girls don’t matter as much as boys. That relentless message bound and disformed my inner being the way foot bindings once crippled little girls in China.
But I loved the Lord and loved ministering to his people, so I grew up and did all the things that were “allowed.” I taught (and wrote) women’s Bible studies, led worship, led a small group with my husband, taught youth with him, and so on.
I realize now I’d lived as a functional complementarian for decades, believing that was the “Christian” way to live. I’d immersed myself in popular Christian marriage and parenting books, all saturated with complementarian doctrine. I wanted to do well at marriage and raising children, and the books I read promised me that outcome.
When my husband and I moved far from our families, we joined a charismatic non-denominational church pastored by a couple who operated as a team. At the time, I was still so shaped by complementarian thinking I wasn’t able to understand the beauty of mutuality or follow their lead.
How did I come to change my mind?
Ten years ago, my thinking began to shift. I’d grown tired of watching the imbalance of experience-based theology in charismatic circles and wanted to better ground myself in the Word of God. My husband and I briefly explored the neo-Reformed movement. Gradually, the complementarian viewpoint became clearer to me—and the more clearly I saw it, the less sense it made.
In the summer of 2016, we went on a vacation to the Pioneer Mountains in Montana. As we hiked, I saw trail blazes cut into the trees. Upon returning to our rental cabin, I picked up the book I’d purchased for the trip and read the foreword, which described the female author as a trail blazer for women in the church. Trail blazes…Pioneer Mountains…trailblazer… I recognized the Lord was speaking. He was calling me to pioneer for women.
Not long after that, our church’s annual camp featured a married couple as our speakers who strongly encouraged mutuality. Their plea caused me to recall a strangely important negative event in my life from early in our marriage. I’d been dealing with depression and asked for prayer. Our small church was full of youthful zeal, so several people prophesied over me. One of them said I was depressed because I was accustomed to “wearing the pants” and that I needed to get under my husband’s leadership. Another quoted Revelation 2:4-5, claiming if I did not repent, God would remove my lampstand (which I assumed was the singing ministry I loved). Having no idea how to evaluate prophesy, I thought this was God telling me to submit harder. I was crushed.
Fast forward thirty-plus years to the message at camp—I got together with a wise friend and shared the memory. She prayed to break the power of that evil word (1 Thess. 5:19–22). A veil came off my eyes, and a weight off my shoulders.
I read and studied and enrolled in seminary, graduating in 2023. The dual topic of my thesis centered on women in church leadership and on prophetic ministry. I started connecting the dots between how prophesy gets dismissed or diminished and the sidelining of women.
In 2024, I turned my thesis into an accessible book including real life stories and titled it Prophesying Daughters: How Prophetic Ministry and Women in Leadership Strengthen the Church.
What difference has it made?
Shaking off the restraints that hindered me for so long has been a liberating yet painful process.
I’m still breaking old habits and recognizing internalized misogyny, but I wouldn’t trade the way of mutuality for anything. I am utterly convinced this is what God always had in mind for his church.
My husband and I approach life as a team now, not a leader and follower. I’m learning to be a better ezer kenegdo (complementarianism makes this difficult!).
I’m speaking up more in general and using the mind God has given me more fully.
My sense of justice is deeply stirred when I see women subjugated, sidelined, and even abused simply because they are female. I’m grieved and angered. I know my sisters’ pain. I want them be set free.
I want to see the whole Body of Christ healthy rather than paralyzed on one side—no matter how “soft” that paralysis might be.
I look for opportunities to mentor younger women so that their eyes are opened much sooner than mine were.
I continue to study so I understand the best arguments to support women in church (and home) leadership side by side with their brothers. I blog and post and talk about mutuality regularly. It is a vital topic for the church. Mutuality versus complementarianism may be classified as a secondary issue, but it is top priority. Too many women have been stunted, silenced, and harmed. For too long, the church has been robbed of its resources.
As a woman who was once crippled by complementarianism but now can walk freely, I will speak up about this for the rest of my life.
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